Early this week I had a headache so I decided to lay down for just a minute and try to rest.  Ted was in the shower and when he got out and saw that I was laying down, he walked by our bed and turned my fan on.  I always turn my fan on when I sleep because it drowns out noise AND because I have hot flashes, yes I am THAT old!  I had not yet fallen asleep, so I was aware of this small, kind gesture.  It was something so simple, yet in that moment I felt so loved by my husband and so loved by my God.  Ted was attending to my physical needs, and in the process God was attending to my spiritual needs.  The need to feel loved and cared for.  The need to have my needs met without me even having to ask.

My husband is not always so tuned in to my needs, nor am I always tuned in to his.  But God is.  His desire is to meet our every need.  In Mark 6:31, Jesus knew the disciple’s need for rest, “Then Jesus said to his apostles, ‘Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place. You need to get some rest.’  In Matthew 6, Jesus is talking about the need for the necessities of life like food and clothing and says, “Your Father who is in heaven knows that you need them.”  So many times I am so busy trying to meet my own needs by striving, demanding, manipulating, and begging, that I fail to realize that the One who loves me most already knows my needs and is quietly slipping by me attending to each and every one.

The thoughtfulness of a gesture by my Beloved and the tenderness of a reminder by my Father.  I just basked in their love for several minutes.  It felt nice.

I have never blogged.  I’ve been too scared.  I fear being exposed.  I fear being vulnerable.  I fear being misunderstood.  I fear being judged wrongly.  I fear saying the wrong thing and offending someone.  Recently I’ve been reading the blog of someone I knew well in my teens and early 20s.  Her husband of 24 years was killed in a fatal car accident in February.  She has been blogging the journey of her grief.  Her vulnerability and courage to expose her soul has given me the courage to do likewise.

So here is my first attempt to put in writing for the world to see the many thoughts that occupy my mind.  I am anticipating that many of them will have to do with marriage.  One, because marriage is my passion.  Two, because I so strongly believe that God designed marriage as the stage to reveal His glory, love and grace to the world.  He speaks to me through my husband nearly every day.

For the past several weeks, Ted and I have been getting up early in the morning and walking three miles.  We have enjoyed this time of fellowship.  Even when Ted is out of town, I will usually call him and talk to him while I’m walking and he’s getting ready to start his day.

For some reason, it was a little harder getting out of bed this morning.  After about 2 1/2  miles I told Ted that I just really don’t LOVE walking every day.  He was a little surprised.  I guess because I’m the one who is usually pushing us to get up and get going.  He asked me to explain.  I really would rather just get up early and start the day off slow by drinking my coffee, checking emails, catching up on Facebook, reading my bible, etc.  Waking up at 6 and being on the pavement at 6:15 is just a little too hurried for me.  However, I DO love the RESULTS of walking every day.  I love the extra energy I have, I love the smaller pants size I’m now wearing, I love the feeling of accomplishment I have, and I love the toning and strengthening of my muscles and bones.

There are a lot of other things in life that I don’t LOVE doing, but I love the results.  I don’t love to cook.  But I do love to eat.  I don’t love to clean house, but I do love the smell of pine sol and walking on a clean floor.  I don’t love the work and time that it takes to resolve conflict when Ted and I have moments of “intense fellowship.”  But I do love the unity that we share and the understanding that we gain about ourselves and each other when we discipline ourselves to stop, verbalize our hurt, confess our wrong, and seek restoration.

So, I will continue to do the hards things that I don’t really LOVE, in order to get the RESULTS that I do really love.  Today, that means putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one step at a time.  The results are so worth it!